joke of the day

[Guest nokiauser]

Why I Fired My Secretary

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning

boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know,

it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to

lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little

private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the

way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We

don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." ; She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriv ing at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I

think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying

a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our

friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.

[Guest aldousbee]

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! :)

[Guest nokiauser]

Aircraft Problems and Solutions

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and thepilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Guest kalinte]

Subject: FPJ for PresidentThe Japanese government express their decision to CUTANY FINANCIAL AID given to the Phil should FPJ win aspresident, the reason...MARAMI SIYANG HAPONG NAPATAYSA PELIKULA!!

[Guest kalinte]

Muslims in Quiapo are accusing Chief Justice DAVIDE ofcorruption. Every corner you hear them whispering:"Bili DVD! Bili DVD! Bili DVD!"

QUALIFICATIONS NI FPJ: mas matangkad kay GLORIA, masmaliit ang tiyan kayROCO, mas mraming npatay nabandido kay LACSON, mas mtatag sa inuman kay ERAP!

JUDE: Dad, nagtext ako sa Mrs ko na pauwi na ako.Nashock ako pagdating sa bahay. May kasama siyanglalaki sa kama. Bakit ganun?ERA: Baka di nareceive txt mo

[Guest nokiauser]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday

minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Guest kalinte]

JINGGOY: Dad, ano po ba ang classification ngelephant, lion at tiger?ERAP: Pambihira naman, yun lang di mo pa alam?Pare-pareho silang mga KATOL!

Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movietogether. It will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsoredby the Ateneo Alumni Association.

Congressmn's wife woke up at midnite sed: "I thinkder r burglars in d house!"Congressmn: Yes, i know but we have our counterpartsin d SENATE too.

[Guest Lopio]

May dalawang mag kaibigan ang naguusap tungkol sa mga katulong nila

sa bahay...

Amo1: alam mo ang tanga tanga ng boy namin sa bahay, sobrang bobo

talaga!

Amo2: mas tanga at bobo ang boy namin.

Amo1:hindi mas tanga at bobo ang boy namin, patutunayan ko

sayo.sabay tawag sa boy nila...

Amo1: pedro!!! halika nga...

Pedro: bakit po sir?

Amo1: eto piso, bili mo ako apat na case ng beer!

Pedro: rayt way sir!

Amo1: tamo na, ang bobo talaga!

Amo2: wala yan, ito tingnan mo! sabay tawag sa boy nila...

Amo2: juan, halika nga...

Juan: bakit po sir?

Amo2: pumunta ka nga sa opisina ko tingnan mo kung nandun ako.

Juan: yes sir!

Amo1 & Amo2: ang tatanga talaga ng mga boy natin...!

"sa daan, nagkasabay ang dalawang boy..."

Pedro: ang tanga talaga ng amo ko, biruin mo binigyan niya ako ng

piso ibili ko daw ng apat na case ng beer... di niya ba alam, mag-

isa lang ako di ko kayang buhatin yun!?!

Juan: wala ka sa amo ko, sobrang bobo talaga, sukat ba naman na

papuntahin ako sa opisina niya para tingnan kung nandun siya, eh,

may telepono naman, bakit di na lang kaya tumawag para malaman

niya kung nandun siya!

[Guest Lopio]

Q : What's the best profession a MAN can have? And Why?

A : OB-GYN because where else can you tell a pretty woman to take

off her clothes, touch her breast, insert your finger and let her

husband to pay for what you did!

[Guest Lopio]

Filipinos have destroyed the christian virtue. CHARITY is now a

sweepstake, HOPE is a cigarette, and TRUST is a condom!

[Guest gpcarreon (MVP)]

hahahahaha :)

[Guest Lopio]

Three sailors -- a German, an American and a Filipino -- are in a pub

drinking a few beers.

"Our submarines can stay under water for a half a year," brags the

German sailor.

"That's nothing," says the American, swallowing his beer and wiping

his lips. "Our nuclear submarines can stay under water for one whole

year!"

"Hey," says the Filipino sailor, spilling his beer. "That is really

nothing. Our submarines dive down and never come up!"

[Guest Lopio]

Mick and Stella McManus live on a small island off the west coast of

Ireland.

They have fourteen kids, and life is hard. One day, Mick decides that

he has had enough.

"Stella!" he shouts, "I'm leaving you!"

So he jumps into his little rowing boat and starts rowing towards the

mainland, leaving Stella standing on the beach.

"But Mick, what about the house?" shouts Stella.

"I'm sorry Stella," replies Mick, "but I'm leaving you!" And he keeps

on rowing out to sea.

"But Mick!" pleads Stella. "What about the children?"

"It's no good Stella," replies Mick, "I am leaving you!" And he keeps

on rowing.

"But Mick!" cries Stella, pulling up her dress and displaying her

feminine charms. "What about this?"

"Ah! God!" mutters Mick, rowing back to the beach. "One of these days

I am really going to leave you!"

[Guest Lopio]

Pedro, a young Filipino tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam,

locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam

asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the

client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit

and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and

runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to

entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a

bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and

she screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do

with him.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem

likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over

to Pedro. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a

bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she

screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can and

literally runs away.

The madam is now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this

in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom

work herself for a long time, but she did it many years before she

got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one itme or

another to everything a man could possible ask for. The challenge is

irresistible. She had to find out what this man wanted that made her

girls so angry. Plus, she sees a chance to show off to her employees

how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to Pedro and says that she's the best in the house

and she, herself is available. She sits and talks with him. They

frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap.

Pedro leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay you in

Philippine pesos?"

[Guest pls666man]

Favor for mankind

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.

In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,

but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dead MS-Programmer

Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?

He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted

to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and

roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park

playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo version," she replied as she vanished.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MS staff

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[Guest pls666man]

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Bill Gates and Robert Tappen Morris, Jr.

(the Internet Worm Hacker)?

Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the

computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know?

That Bill Gates is the world's only living heart doner?

That Bill Gates has never been potty trained?

That Bill Gates is not human (big surprise)?

That he is actually a creation of George Lucas?

That George decided not to use him because he didn't want to scare small children.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MS Lightbulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

A2: None. They wait one week and then they make darknes as a standard.

A3: None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest pls666man]

Bill and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "MicroSoft"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God Speaks to Bill

God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates. He told them, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days."

Bill Clinton woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."

Bill Gates woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to deal with any more Windows 'OS complaints."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MS-Employee

A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright."Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."

St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he he he! my favourite bill gate joke

The world's smartest man

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

===============================================

New feature in Windows 2000

Yesterday, Bill Gates said that there will be a new feature in Microsoft Windows 2000: when you will choose "Shut Down" and then "Restart computer and launch MS - DOS" you will get an orange-colored message "It is safe now to use your computer."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Car problems

3 persons had a drive in a car: mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.

Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be change gear. Lemme fix it."

The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I will fix it."

Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, get back into it, and it might be running!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guest Lopio]

ARROYO: economic mind

ROCO: academic mind

DAVIDE: judicial mind

DE CASTRO: media mind

PING LACSON: hoodlum mind

FERNANDO POE: never mind

PILIPINAS 2004?.ANG SAYA-SAYA!

Reporter: Sir totoo ba ang news report na laban kayo sa GLOBALIZATION?

FPJ: Siempre!

REPORTER: Bakit po?

FPJ: Kasi mas maganda ang service ng SMART! Dapat SMARTIZATION!

FPJ's campaign promise: "I WILL ELIMINATE WASTE IN GOVERNMENT AND IN

METRO MANILA! My administration will be known as the LOW-WASTE GANG!

FPJ vowed that once elected he would change the Lower House and the

Upper House. It would then be called the `ORCHESTRA AND BALCONY!

[Guest Lopio]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him

if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child

innocently.

"You did what?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went `pssst!' and

it didn't move

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later?.."Da-ad?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad??"

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you no!" If you ask me again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later????"Daaaa-aaaaad??."

"What?"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two

plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of

a bitch is nine?.."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother

asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,

that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them

was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

[Guest Lopio]

Two Nuns

                  There were two nuns...

                  One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

                  and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

                  It is getting dark and they are still far away from the

                  convent.

                  SM: Have you noticed that a man

                  has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half

                  minutes?

                  I wonder what he wants.

                  SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

                  SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the

                  most?

                  What can we do?

                  SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

                  SM: It's not working.

                  SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical

                  thing.

                  He started to walk faster, too.

                  SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one

                  minute.

                  SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way

                  and

                  I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

                  So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

                  Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried

                  about what has happened to Sister Logical.

                  Then Sister Logical arrives.

                  SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

                  Tell me what happened!

                  SL: The only logical thing happened.

                  The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

                  SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

                  SL: The only logical thing happened.

                  I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as

                  fast as he

                  could.

                  SM: And?

                  SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

                  SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

                  SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

                  SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

                  SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

 

                  SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

                  SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

                  A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants

                  down.

                  And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two

                  Hail Marys!

[Guest Lopio]

FPJ: I'm not a clone of Erap, no two persons are identical in D.N.A.

Reporter: Sir, what is D.N.A.?

FPJ: Dami ng Asawa!

SYERAP FILES:

Sabi ni FPJ, pag pangulo na siya, papalit daw niya ang name ng

Quezon City in honor of his good friend, Dolphy. It will be called

QUIZON CITY!

[Guest kalinte]

COMELEC ADVISSORY: IF YOU FORGET TO BRING YOUR VOTERS I.D. DON'T WORRY. WE ACCEPT MOVIE PASS.

[Guest Lopio]

SUSAN to FPJ: Kung ang presidential office sa White House ay OVAL

OFFICE, ano kaya ang tawag sa presidential office sa malacanang?

FPJ: Siguro BOX OFFICE!

Russian: "We are the first in space!"

American: "We are the first in the moon!"

FPJ: "We'll be the first in the SUN!"

American: "You can't go there, you'll burn."

FPJ: "We are not stupid, we will go there at night!"

If FPJ wins in 2004:

The Lower House will be called ORCHESTRA

The Upper House will be called BALCONY

The Chief Executive will be PRODUCER and DIRECTOR

Congressmen and Senators will be addressed as, Hon. STUNTMEN.

[Guest Lopio]

ERAP: Ronnie, anong difference ng OPINION sa CONCLUSION?

FPJ: Pare, pwede kang pumasok sa pinto kung "OPIN-YUN" pero

kung "CON_CLOS_YUN" di ka pwede!

Meron ka bang barkadang may anak na at least 2nd year High School,

may pagka alisto, medyo bright? Email ko sa akin.

Naghahanap kasi si FPJ para Sec. of Finance niya.

Pag si Fernando Poe ang magiging pangulo natin maraming magSPAMgo:

Ang pambansang gulay natin ay UPOE

Ang pambansang laro natin ay TRUMPOE

Ang pambansang Bayani natin ay LAPOE LAPOE

Kaya F POE tayo.

Badong: Puta! Ang ganda ng sermon mo pader!

Pari: Huwag ka sanang magmura

Badong: Nak ng puta e sa ganda nakapag-donate ako kanina ng P 50,000!

Pari: Tang'na! Salamat!

Genie to troubled wife: You get one wish but your husband gets 10

times more of the same, if you'll agree.

Wife: Fine, give me a mild heart attack here and now

Due to numerous cases of Roman Catholic Priests link to women, the

Vatican plans to change their title to ROMANTIC CATHOLIC PRIESTS.

NEWS UPDATE! A 90 year old man was sentenced to death for raping a

16 year old girl. Aside from rape, he was also charged with assault

with a DEAD weapon.

D kaya galling TSINA ang mga MONKEYS?

Look at their names:

Chung Go

Mat Ching

Chim Pan Sy

Orang Go Tan

Ong Guy

Chi Tah…

Ano palakay mo?

[Guest Lopio]

Ang manok meron bird flu, ang gulay may formalin, ang isda may red

tide, ang baboy may FMD, ang pekpek may STD.....Kawawa ka naman ano

pa ang kakainin mo?

In an election campaign meeting....

FPJ: (galit na galit): There have been a lot of allegations these

days, and I would like to know who are the ALLEGATORS....

Misis: Anong regalo mo sa akin sa 25th anniversary natin?

Mister: Dadalhin kita sa Europe!

Misis: Wow, ang sweet! Eh sa 50th anniversary natin?

Mister: Susunduin kito doon!

MAN: Pwede ba sa bibig?

GRO: Ay! Yoko nga!

MAN: Cge na, malinis at mabango naman yan, e!

GRO: Kahit na, baka matrangkaso ako.

MAN: Trangkaso?

GRO: Di mo ba alam na uso ngayon ang bird flu?

Globe and Smart Joint Security Division has been monitoring your

phone and would like to remind you that the vibrating unit is NOT

for sexual purposes so STOP IT!

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde

neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on

her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde

walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is

nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes

later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After

watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is

pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he

asks, "What are you doing?"

She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."