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Guest confused and hungover

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Guest confused and hungover

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

they name him "Juan."

Year's later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Guest awarner [MVP]

Dad responds,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway, so here goes. Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. Then we sneaked into a secluded room and your mother agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and a voice said, "You've got male!"

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Guest Samsonite
Dad responds,"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway, ............. nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and a voice said, "You've got male!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

oh dear god...shoot me now...

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Guest bretto
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

they name him "Juan."

Year's later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a

picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

bahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

So anyway theres these two girls in a bath...One says "wears the soap"...and the other says "YES it does!"

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Guest confused and hungover

Polar Bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Gin and..............................................tonic, please"

The Barkeep says, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, "I don't know. My Dad had 'em, too."

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Difficult words to say when you are drunk:

* Innovative

* Preliminary

* Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk...

* Thanks, but I don't want sex

* No, I don't want another drink

* No Kebab for me, thanks

* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me

* Good evening officer

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Blonde Planeride

A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up

and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant

watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have

to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm

staying right here!".

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot

that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in

Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the

explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and

return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm

staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have

the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen

to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have

learned to speak 'blonde'".

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she

gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant

and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any

fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney."

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Comprehending the IT guy - Take One:

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and went back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it and slammed it shut. Angrily, she stormed back into the house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds

attractive can differ depending where a woman is in her cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men

with rugged, masculine features and if she is at that time of the month she is more

prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

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Guest confused and hungover

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is looking a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and pukes. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Guest confused and hungover

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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Guest confused and hungover

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, so i was in this fridge...."

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A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The Doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The Doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party. During the party

he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of

a large SPLASH!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could..... the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side nervous, pale, but otherwise unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!

Well I must keep my end of the bargain....which do you want,

my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says:

"Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your

daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

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Guest confused and hungover

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

(oooooooooh, close to the line :) )

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