joke of the day

[Guest nokiauser]

mods, if u please... lets keep this going :lol:

What's the fastest thing in the world?

There were four guys who were in the final stages

of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from

USA, Singapore, Japan and Philippines. The company

decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final

interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president

of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and

that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money

budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of

them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he

would ask

each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best

would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was

from USA.

The president posed the question, "What is the

fastest thing in the world?"

The young man thought for a moment and replied,

"That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in

your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the

president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man

from Singapore, "What is the fastest thing in the

world?"

The young man paused and replied, "That would

have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's

just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked him, then called in the

next person. The ! young man from Japan was asked what

is the fastest thing in the world was, and after

hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would

have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a

switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will

go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from the Philippines was

called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest

thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to

be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you

say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my

bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I

could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, s*** came

out!"

(He got the job....) :D :) :D

[Guest tazh_fave]

hahahah...kakakatawa....

[Guest gpcarreon (MVP)]

.FUNNY

[Guest sweetyls]

hehe. ang kulit!

[Guest chibako]

hehehehe! funny! yan ang pinoy! :lol:

Posted from my SmartPhone!

[Guest darkmatter]

he deserves the job.

[Guest aldousbee]

uy.... pinoy jokes ba rito? heh heh

[Guest nokiauser]

A "true" story from our friend Phantom Pidro.

Guys, have you heard the story of the mag-ina here in the U.S.? Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in Los Angeles. Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died.

The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive. Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way, walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the States and ship the coffin unaccompanied. Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda. Ang mukha at katawan ng inay nila ay dikit na dikit na sa salamin ng kabaong. Sabi tuloy ng isa, "Ay tingnan mo yan, hindi sila marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika".

To cut the story short,they prepared the coffin for viewing. Pag bukas ng takip (salamin) ng coffin, may napansin silang sulat sa dibdib ng kanilang inay. Dahan-dahan kinuha at nangi-nginig na binukasan ni Kuya (panganay na anak) ang sulat at binasa sa lahat ng buong familia. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito: "Mahal Kong mga Kapatid, Hayan na si Inay!!! Pasyencia na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang inay sa pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko na nga lang sa kanya ay kulang-kulang sa sampung libo (kabaong at shipment). Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.

Anyway, pinadala ko kasama ni inay ang: * dalawampu't apat na karne norte na nasa likod ni Inay. Maghati-hati na lang kayo. * anim na bagong labas na Reebok sneakers...isa suo-suot ni inay...and lima nasa ulunan ni Inay...isa-isa na kayo riyan. * iba't ibang klaseng tsokokate, nasa puwit ni Inay...maghati-hati na kayong lahat... * anim na Ralph Lauren na t-shirts suot-suot ni Inay...para sa iyo, Kuya, at isa-isa ang mga pamangkin ko. * isang dosenang Wonder bra na gustong-gusto ninyo, mga kapatid ko, suot suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na kayo riyan. * dalawang dosenang Victoria Secret na panties na inaasam-asam ninyo, suot-suot din ni Inay. Maghati-hati na rin kayo, Ate...... * walong Dockers na pantalon suot-suot din ni Nanay...Kuya, Diko, isa-isa na kayo, at mga pamangkin ko. * ang Rolex na hinahabilin mo, Kuya, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. * ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas na gustong-gusto mo, Ate, eh suot-suot din ni Inay. Kunin mo na. * mga Chanel na medyas, suot suot din ni Inay. Tig-i tig-isa na kayo at mga pamangkin ko.

Bahala na kayo kay Inay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito. Balitaan niyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Nagmamahal na kapatid, Nene PS. Pakibihisan na lang si Inay..." :wink:

[Guest virgil]

o eto, as a result of the kris & joey controversy.....

================================

Melanie: "My brother is not a girl, he is a gentleman."

(o, ha!)

melanie: "That's why I'm a success, it's because I do not MIDDLE in other

people's lives."

(may katwiran. hindi nga naman siya nanggigitna!)

Melanie: "Do not judge my brother, he is not a book!"

(and he is. . . . . ??)

melanie: (in an angry and self-righteous tone) "i won't stoop down to my

level!"

(dapat lang 'day! sa tangkad mong 'yan, bali ang likod mo!)

melanie: (as angry as hell) "hello? bulag ka ba? bingi ka ba? (points to

ear) are you DEP????"

(Hindi ah. . . . shinampoo ko lang 'yan. . . )

melanie: "yung std... baka sa maruming toilet lang nya nakuha yan."

(hmmm....may punto ..... kung autistic ka!!)

melanie: (one of her best points yet) "eh ikaw ba naman durugin ang ari mo?

pag di ba naman manutok ka ng baril?"

(this is a very popular observation of renowned psychologists.

it's called the "mash the crotch, **** a gun" phenomenon)

naalala ko tuloy yung isa pa nyang comment noon ...

melanie: "i don't eat meat. i'm not a carnival."

(but you sure create one each time you open your mouth, honey!)

[Guest nokiauser]

FBI Training

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to

speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in

and sits down. The interviewer asks him:

"Do you love your wife?"

"Yes I do, sir."

"Do you love your country?"

"Yes I do, sir."

"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"

"My country, sir."

"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next

room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He

comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He

puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down.

The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the

responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells

him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I

can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives

him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes

into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is

followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few

minutes.

The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun

on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What

happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

[Guest nokiauser]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

share naman dyan mga pipol :lol:

[Guest nokiauser]

old one for today, you guys better start giving coz' im running out...

Three men lost in a forest...

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.' The king then explained the trial to him.

'You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and eaten.

The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?' The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with an armful of pineapples.'

[Guest actor21]

New Political Tandem

Fernando Poe - for President

Lucio Tan - for Vice President

Ina Raymundo - For Senator

Niño Mulach - for Senator

Isulat sa Balota:

Poe - Tan - Ina - Niño

Nakow - ano kaya mangyayari sa tin hehehe

[Guest nokiauser]

nakow po! tan-ina-poe-yan! yan as in rico yan? wag, yan as in "Jerry Yan" yikes! :lol:

[Guest nokiauser]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to

kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling

a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand

against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you

give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My

parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this

hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we

get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all

sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I

love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just

can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the

stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair

disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead

and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says

she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to

take his hand off the intercom!"

[Guest gpcarreon (MVP)]

nokiauser bakit may warning ka?

[Guest nokiauser]

someone pulled a joke on me :lol:

damn ROM link!

wasn't a direct link though, but its ok. my fault

[Guest gpcarreon (MVP)]

kaya pala. :idea:

[Guest nokiauser]

hmm... so looonely in here :roll: well, here's 2 for today

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no badword bike."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Who Is God?

A confused 9-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

[Guest gpcarreon (MVP)]

FUNNY ULIT

[Guest nokiauser]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just

before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to

the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling

in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and

get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe

and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks

good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went

to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the

other shoe and spat in it.

The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his

shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our

professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and

urinating in cokes?"

[Guest nokiauser]

Interesting Facts:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's

nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived

immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are

already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year

because

when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of

all

the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears

never

stop growing... SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,

including

their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only

on

one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She

would

stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this post will try to lick their elbow.

[Guest aldousbee]

slurp slurp!

[Guest adi116]

Para kay ML at sa thursday group, and of course to all those who are watching this thread:

Little Johnny's Chemistry Lesson

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[Guest aldousbee]

@adi116

AYOS AH! heh heh...