joke of the day

[Guest nokiauser]

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."

[Guest nokiauser]

Vaseline

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money

and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of

bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets

on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the

bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: " Listen, this guy is

an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

[Guest tutut17]

:lol: :D :)

[Guest nokiauser]

====================

If men wrote advice columns

====================

====================

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

======================

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

===============

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

=========

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

=======

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

=========

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Guest nokiauser]

Too Smart for First Grade :lol: :D :)

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The

teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.

My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to

go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were

explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade

should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade.."

The teacher says to the principal,

"Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.

The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless and bit

tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"

Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of

excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his

ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Guest nokiauser]

who let the fly out!

:lol:

[Guest nokiauser]

HELL

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He

immediately goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,

but I

have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell

you

what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't

quite

as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their

place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened

the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He

kept

diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such

was

his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I

don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room; in it was O.J. Simpson with a

sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that

hammer,

time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant

agony

if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on

the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a

spread

eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does

best.

Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally

said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Guest nokiauser]

bwahahaha!

God's Gift to Adam

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nagkita ang pari at madre sa isang seminar?

Pari : Ano ang apelyido mo, Sister?

Madre : Hulaan mo, hinahawakan mo gabi-gabi.

Pari : Titi !?!

Madre : Susmaryosep! Rosario po ang apelyido ko!

:lol::lol::D

[Guest tutut17]

hahaha! keep it coming dude! :lol:

[Guest nokiauser]

not getting any? need help? :lol: :D :)

click me ===> HerbalMart

[Guest tazh_fave]

http://www.fractalcow.com/rex/high.html

[Guest nokiauser]

@tazh

hahaha, was just cooking fish! :lol: i have to say that was degrading, funny but degrading :shock:

A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."

The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "

The next week, the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Guest aldousbee]

TANONG: Hindi tao, hindi hayop at hindi multo, sumisipsip ng dugo at may pakpak? SAGOT: Whisper with wings!

[Guest aldousbee]

General check-up: DOKTOR: Lola, kelan ho ba kayo huling nakipagtalik? LOLA: Mga 1955. DOKTOR: Matagal na ho pala ano po? LOLA: Di naman, 20:55 pa lang eh.

---------------

PEDRO: Ma'am o si Danilo naniniko!

TEACHER: Danilo, hindi mo ba alam na masakit ang maniko!

DANILO: Yehey! wala ng klase! Masakit daw ang mani ni ma'am!

[Guest nokiauser]

:lol: :D :)

[Guest nokiauser]

something to offend everyone part 1

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the

dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not

getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room

together?100 people who don't do dick.

something to offend everyone part 2 (just warming up)

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit

there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp

knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and

good-looking?Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,

the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same

urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the

biggest boobs?The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton

balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the

pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure

it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1,

and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

something to offend everyone part 3 (just great stuff)

What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one

black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.

[Guest teptep]

Here's one from "Harmless Jokes"...

Great Imponderables

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in what

happens to the other penny?

7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not

called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is

the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be

delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and

dry cleaners depressed?

14. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

15. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

16. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

17. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;

then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

18. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I

wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

[Guest nokiauser]

actually "Go" is the shortest word este sentence hehehe :) so they say

http://www.southwest.cc.nc.us/bobh/Shortes...estSentence.htm

[Guest nokiauser]

Gabriel's horn

it was time for father john's saturday night bath and young sister magdalene edwards

had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. sister magdalene was also instructed not to look at father john's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

the next morning the old nun asked sister magdalene how the saturday night bath has gone.

oh sister, said the young nun dreamily, "I have been saved."

saved? and how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.

well, when father john was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while i was washing him, he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the lord keeps the key to heaven.

did he now, said the old nun evenly.

sister magdalene continued, and father john said that if the key to heaven fit my lock, the portals of heaven would be opened to me and i would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. and then father john guided his key to heaven into my lock.

is that a fact, said the old nun even more evenly.

at first it hurt terribly, but father john said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of god would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. and it did, it felt so good being saved.

THAT WICKED OLD DEVIL, said the old nun.

he told me IT WAS GABRIEL'S HORN, AND IVE BEEN BLOWING IT FOR 40 YEARS

[Guest Lopio]

The Japanese government express their decision to CUT ANY FINANCIAL

AID given to the Phil should FPJ win as president, reasonS MARAMI

SIYANG hapon NAPATAY!

An FPJ - LACSON tandem wl hav a slogan: VOTE DA KING N DA QUEEN!

B4, wen u meet a congressman, u proudly shake his hand. Now wen u

meet one u shake ur head.

Fernando Poe 4 PRESIDENT Lucio Tan 4 SENATOR Ina Raymundo 4

CONGRESSWOMAN Niño Mulach 4 MAYOR; isulat sa balota POE TAN INA NIÑO.

[Guest nokiauser]

These passages are from a book called Disorder in the Court. They

are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of

staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some

of these are excellent

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

==

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact (of the car)?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

===

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

===

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

===

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

===

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or

the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

===

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

===

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

===

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

===

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

===

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

===

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

===

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

===

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

===

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

===

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

===

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

===

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

===

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere.

[Guest Lopio]

GMA: im planing 2 stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.

ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang Masturbation,

aba..Human rights violation yan!

Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It will be

called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni Association.

>

>

ERAP:Doc,I accidentally swalowd a chicken bone.

DR:Is it choking?

ERAP:No, it's Max's.

DR:I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "r u choking?"

ERAP:No I'm serious!

[Guest nokiauser]

:) :D :lol:

I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes

everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Guest Lopio]

Upon examining Erap's brain, 2 sides were found, left n right. In the>

left side there was nothing right, n in the right side there was

nothing left!

[Guest nokiauser]

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the

court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in

jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against

thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.