Guest justafeind Posted February 17, 2004 Report Posted February 17, 2004 A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made >to >their passengers : > >"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I >know >you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married >to >my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and >go >in the opposite direction". > >"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from >backside and elbow syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let >you >know any further information as soon as I'm given any." > >"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that >last >Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad >news >is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East >Ham, >which means we probably won't reach our destination." > >"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a >security >alert a! t Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the >foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time >together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a >wall...'". > >"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street >is >closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could >tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". > >Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these >professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a >registered charity, failing that, give it to me." > >"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, >stuff >yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...." > >"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please >hold >the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." > >"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the >doors ! are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags >into the doors." > >"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in >the >door" > >"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second >carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you >understand?" > >"Please move all baggage away from the doors(Pause...) Please move ALL >belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to >the >man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the >pie >down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door >before I >come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways" > >"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed >on >any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's >only >fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage" :shock: :)
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