Guest Matt Kirby Posted September 5, 2005 Report Share Posted September 5, 2005 If you are stupid enough to be driving after a few jars and get pulled over by the police, do not say the following: Constinoon afterbule! Why did you pull me over? Was I driving erotically? No drinkstable, I haven't had a c**t all night. Also don't call them "ossifer", they don't like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 6, 2005 Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 (edited) Something keeps crashing my device but I just cant put my finger on it! :evil: Edited September 6, 2005 by bretto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest gpcarreon (MVP) Posted September 6, 2005 Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The Doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The Doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" <{POST_SNAPBACK}> :o :( :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mcwarre Posted September 6, 2005 Report Share Posted September 6, 2005 Why don't women have any brains? They don't have a willy to keep them in.............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it?????", they asked. The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.....The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice boobs sisters, where do you want the blinds??" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, bugga off." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 Every year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. Here are some winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 Ok, here we go again..... A man traveling through the country stopped at a small roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he mentioned they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest gpcarreon (MVP) Posted September 7, 2005 Report Share Posted September 7, 2005 Good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 8, 2005 Report Share Posted September 8, 2005 Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie. Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was f*@%ing Goofy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 8, 2005 Report Share Posted September 8, 2005 When I got married I knew my wife was Mrs Right.... It was only later I found out her first name was Always! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 What does Michael Jackson and a shopping bag have in common? One is white, plastic and dangerous to small children and the other is a shopping bag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 What does Michael Jackson and a shopping bag have in common? One is white, plastic and dangerous to small children and the other is a shopping bag. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Disco Stu Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 What blokes are good at : 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it herelove. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. Noisy destruction = man. 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what does it look like. 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,bint?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the mans penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says... "Sure had a big dick then, didn't it, Dad?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 So if I said I was fun, outgoing, average looking and voluptous, the translation is pretty spot on, really. Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish.........................49 Adventurer.....................Slept with all your friends Athletic.......................No tits Average looking................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful......................Pathological liar Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.......................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.............Medicated Feminist.......................Fat ballbuster Free spirit....................Junkie Friendship first...............Trying to live down reputation as a tart Fun............................Annoying Gentle..................Comatose Good Listener..................Borderline Autistic New-Age........................All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned................Lights out,missionary position only, PJs Open-minded....................Desperate Outgoing................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional...................Certified Bitch Redhead........................Bad dye-job Reubenesque....................Grossly Fat Romantic.......................Looks better by candle light Social.............Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous.....................Very Fat Weight proportion w/ height... Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide Wants Soulmate.................Stalker Widow..........................Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart.................Old bat MEN'S ADS 40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated.............. Will patronize the s*** out of you Free Spirit........... Banging your sister Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking.......... Arrogant Very good looking..... Dumb as a board Honest................ Pathological Liar Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy Mature................ Older than your father Open-minded ..........Wants to sleep with your roomie but she's not interested Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive........ Gay Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". <{POST_SNAPBACK}> hahahahahahaaaaahhhahahahahhahaha.... that made my day !!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 So if I said I was fun, outgoing, average looking and voluptous, the translation is pretty spot on, really. Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish.........................49 Adventurer.....................Slept with all your friends Athletic.......................No tits Average looking................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful......................Pathological liar Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.......................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.............Medicated Feminist.......................Fat ballbuster Free spirit....................Junkie Friendship first...............Trying to live down reputation as a tart Fun............................Annoying Gentle..................Comatose Good Listener..................Borderline Autistic New-Age........................All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned................Lights out,missionary position only, PJs Open-minded....................Desperate Outgoing................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional...................Certified Bitch Redhead........................Bad dye-job Reubenesque....................Grossly Fat Romantic.......................Looks better by candle light Social.............Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous.....................Very Fat Weight proportion w/ height... Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide Wants Soulmate.................Stalker Widow..........................Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart.................Old bat MEN'S ADS 40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated.............. Will patronize the s*** out of you Free Spirit........... Banging your sister Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking.......... Arrogant Very good looking..... Dumb as a board Honest................ Pathological Liar Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy Mature................ Older than your father Open-minded ..........Wants to sleep with your roomie but she's not interested Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive........ Gay Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts <{POST_SNAPBACK}> then i would be an average looking, free spirited, spiritual guy looking for friendship first Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 then i would be an average looking, free spirited, spiritual guy looking for friendship first <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Sounds like you bear a spooky resemblance to this guy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 24 hour drinking??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 i've got this photo on my lounge wall.... seriously. minus the witty comment obviously Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 i've got this photo on my lounge wall.... seriously. minus the witty comment obviously <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Are you on the left or the right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest confused and hungover Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 Are you on the left or the right? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> i'm the guy with the really really big glass. damn, looking at that pic... i can feel a few beers coming on tonight :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bretto Posted September 9, 2005 Report Share Posted September 9, 2005 Oh this is you... PS: Already had a few :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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