jokes...

[Guest confused and hungover]

Me.....

my mother...

[Guest ricardo the fish]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She

went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap . The frog

said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three

wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but i

failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you

wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock

to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most

beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the

richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the

richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The

woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is

mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then

inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart

attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here

and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the

story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them

continue to think that way and just enjoy the show .

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show

that you women never listen!

(sorry!)

[Guest Disco Stu]

You'll possibly have heard this one before but it's worth revisiting :o

How to give your pet a pill.

THE CAT

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks whilst holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cats head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink beer to take away the taste. Apply band-aid to partners forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

13. Take last pill from foil wrap.

14. Tie the little bastards front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth,followed by a large piece of fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour two pints of water down cats throat to wash down pill.

15. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get partner to drive you to casualty. Sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order a new table.

16. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

:evil:

THE DOG.

1. Wrap it in bacon.

:twisted:

[Guest bretto]

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%! How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100%?

IF,

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

can be represented as

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% Only

K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% Only

But,

A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However,

B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

It stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.

[Guest confused and hungover]

why are pirates called pirates?

they just arrrrrrrrrrrr.

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

wheres my tractor?