Another Joke

[Guest bretto]

Three blokes walked into a pub together. One was English, one a Scotsman and the other and Aussie.

Each bought a pint of Guinness, but just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Aussie picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled, "Spit it out, you bastard!"

[Guest Disco Stu]

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more. The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the dumb blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the pharmacist."

The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?". "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom!"

;)

[Guest Disco Stu]

My name is Bob, I am 34 years old and have been married for 3 years.

Something very strange happened to me this morning, I woke up with an

overwhelming desire to do housework - ever so strange! I had hoovered and

dusted the house from top to bottom before my wife had even risen from her pit.

I woke her with coffee and biscuits and then hurried back downstairs to rustle

up some breakfast for her.

I started to think that something wasn't quite right, so I organised an

emergency appointment at the doctor's.................... but not before I had

been to the supermarket and grabbed a couple of holiday brochures and a copy of

Country Living for my tea break.

Things were now getting serious and I headed on over to the surgery.

Whilst waiting to see the doctor, I saw a friend and we proceeded to gossip and

discuss the price of vegetables today.

At last, I was called in and - by now seriously shaking and worried about my

condition - I knocked on the doctor's door and entered his room.

He asked me what the matter was and I explained and he tutted and quickly

checked his medical books before giving me his verdict........

Bird Flu!

;) :D

[Guest TigerNet]

;) :D :D :D

My name is Bob, I am 34 years old and have been married for 3 years. 

Something very strange happened to me this morning, I woke up with an

overwhelming desire to do housework - ever so strange!  I had hoovered and

dusted the house from top to bottom before  my wife had even risen from her pit.

I woke her with coffee and biscuits and then hurried back downstairs to rustle

up some breakfast for her.

I started to think that something wasn't quite right, so I organised an

emergency appointment at the doctor's.................... but not before I had

been to the supermarket and grabbed a couple of holiday brochures and a copy of

Country Living for my tea break.

Things were now getting serious and I headed on over to the surgery.

Whilst waiting to see the doctor, I saw a friend and we proceeded to gossip and

discuss the price of vegetables today.

At last, I was called in and - by now seriously shaking and worried about my

condition - I knocked on the doctor's door and entered his room.

He asked me what the matter was and I explained and he tutted and quickly

checked his medical books before giving me his verdict........   

Bird Flu!

:(  :(

[Guest nevawlkalone]

NEWSFLASH: First british casualty of bird flu has been rshed to hospital - reports claim that the patient reamins chirpy!!!!

HAHA lol :D ;)

[Guest fraser]

reports claim that the patient reamins chirpy!!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He's just pining for the flords...

[Guest bretto]

An Aussie limps into a bar with only one thong (flipflop) on his foot. He limps up to the bar.

Bartender: "g'day mate. lost a thong did you?"

Bloke: "Nah found one!"

[Guest bretto]

I never want to experience a 5 star again.

1 star hangover*

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere

half-time nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still

able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water

and still feel as parched as The Simpson Desert. Even vegetarians are

craving for a hamburger and chips.

2 star hangover **

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have

the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to

try and remain focused is only exacerbating your

rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have

a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable

money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by

aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and

so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because the perfume

reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends

after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. life would be better right now

if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching

Good Morning Australia with Moonface. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a litre

of water, 2 Chicko Rolls and a litre of diet coke, yet you haven't pissed

once.

4 star hangover ****

you have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak

too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for

being late and has given you a lecture for Reeking of booze. You wore nice

clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so

crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding

the dodgems, depending on your gender.

Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your

hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss Vale

secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the

following?

* Home time

* A doona and somewhere to be alone

* A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night

before.

5 star hangover *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits next to you. Stolle vapour is seeping out of every pore

and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your

mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate

saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the

last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.

Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your

dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick

because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

6 star hangover ******

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were

fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep and

the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been

cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter

what you do you now your going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find

that your room's in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off

all the pictures, you find the dunny. If you are lucky you will remember to

lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the

whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the

world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus

noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage,

even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen

hurts. Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving you

there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous

eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and

swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last occasion.

You lie their cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1hour

intervals. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up

for the day as you try to climb into bed.

He/She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried

vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept this advice and have a shower in

exchange for them driving you to the hospital. You finally feel well enough

to eat again on the following day, with the mention of alcohol making your

stomach churn. This effect of sight or smell of alcohol making your stomach

churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again.... until

next time.

[Guest Disco Stu]

Thanks for reminding us older members of the 1 star hangover :roll: ;)

[Guest confused and hungover]

i was watching crouching tiger hiden dragon the other night and was wondering where all the tigers and dragons were. then i realised, they were all crouching and hiding.

[Guest mcwarre]

Why did the one-armed monkey fall out of the tree?

Because I waved to him!

[Guest Palindrome]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

[Guest confused and hungover]

Ted came home from the club late one Friday evening stinking drunk,

as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ted, "and what are you doing in my

bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St

Peter".

Ted was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much

To live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back

straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can

only send you back as a dog or a hen." Ted was devasted, but knowing there

was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A

flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking

the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange

feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are

you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Ted, "but I have this strange feeling inside

like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Ted

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out

from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his

emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first

time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever

happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an

enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Ted,

wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*ting the bed"

[Guest ricardo the fish]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a

slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

The nurses went to find her husband and explained what happened, telling

him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick

and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical to say the least, but they assured him that

they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went

into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor

flat-lined: no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked!" :shock:

[Guest ricardo the fish]

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas.....

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want

more!

21. I do like (a) good stuffing.