Joke...

[Guest Firaas]

Just heard this:

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China he is very promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back in america, he wakes up to find his thingy covered in bright green and purple spots. He goes to see a doctor. The doctor says it's a very rare disease and he must amputate. The man is horrified.

The next day he goes to see a chinese doctor who might know more about the disease. The chinese doctor proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my thingy!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican doctor always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need To opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Wait two weeks - thingy fall off by itself. You save money"

;)

Got any others?

[Guest awarner [MVP]]

Nice one :wink:

Any more jokes people post them here ;)

[Guest amo]

Hehe, thats a good un'

[Guest cepheus1]

President Bush is visiting a school where a class is discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead a discussion on the word "tragedy".

Bush asks if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy and a boy stands up. "If my best friend were playing in the street and a car ran him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush "that would be an accident, son"

A little girl then raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 20 children drove of a cliff, killing everyone, then that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not, missy," explains the President, "that would be a great loss."

The room goes quiet. Finally, after an embarrassing silence, way at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens by a terrorist, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" says Bush, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy, son?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

;) :lol: :lol: :D :D :( :( :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Guest Monolithix [MVP]]

I think

President Bush *snip*

is joke enough in that case

;)

[Guest HelloDave]

Hmm, that joke's a bit flawed - it assumes Bush would understand the definition of tragedy in the first place :wink:

[Guest madu]

Oh, if I only could tell you what I think about the bugger (Mr :lol:... Unfortuantely I don't wanna be the first victim of a new 'Washington Sniper'.. Maybe those people all knew something important.. and sniper was just the answer for possible info leak. hmmmm

I hope MrB does not understand IP addresses ;) his clever consultants would though..

[Guest Bazz]

What!?!? The sniper was a covert CIA hitman taking out seemingly random people who all slagged of Bush and/or "knew comething important"?

You crack me up madukrainian, you really do ;)

[Guest madu]

You crack me up madukrainian, you really do ;)

Anything for you darling!

[Guest spacecowboy6982]

Lol..u guys......

nehoo , i came across this woman today while i was freezing my ass of in the park. She had no arms or legs and was in a wheelchair. I thought to myself, "wot in gods name can i say to this woman 2 make her feel any better?" Then it came to me....

Nice Tits !!!!

;)

[Guest awarner [MVP]]

NEWS FLASH

David Beckham escaped a near death experience whilst horse riding yesterday.

Everything was fine until the horse started bouncing uncontrollably.

He tried, with all his might, to hang on but was thrown off.

With his foot caught in the stirrup, and with Posh Spice watching

powerlessly, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to

bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the manager of

the Woolworth's store

came out and unplugged the horse.

[Guest mugen]

Being generally useless at offering helpful advice etc, I thought I'd contribute this:

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I >think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Guest capt_janeway]

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

;)

[Guest shadieb]

LOL :)

[Guest vampyre69]

Company Policy....

From a study done on primate behaviour and social

adaptation...

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage,

hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to

climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs,

spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same

result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs,

the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage

and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana

and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror,

all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt

and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he

will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace

it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is

attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment

with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with

a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest

monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys

that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted

to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating

of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the

remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try

for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the

way it's always been done around here.

And that my friends, is how Company Policy begins.

[Guest Palindrome]

God calls St Peter for a meeting one day. "St Peter", says God, "I'm afraid we're running out of space in heaven, so I've made a decree that the newly deceased may only enter the gates of heaven if they've had a bad day when they died. Go to the gates and let my will be done". So off St Peter goes.

After a while patoling the gates, a man walks up to St Peter. "Hold it there, my son. You must tell me about your day before I can decided wether to let you in" says St Peter.

"You wouldn't believe my day", the man says. "I came home this afternoon to find my beautiful wife sprawled naked on our bed and looking very guilty. I, of course, thought the worst and started to frantically search for the man that must be hidding somewhere in the flat. When I went into the kitchen I saw a man hanging off the balcony and, in a fit of rage, pried open his fingers so he fell three floors down onto the concrete pavement. Not wanting to chance that he may have survived the fall I grabbed the fridge and sent that down after him. At that point I was so stressed out I had a heart attack and here I am now".

"My word. You've had a very bad day, and it's lucky for you God's policy has changed. Welcome, pass through the gates into heaven, my child".

A few minutes later a second man walks up to St Peter to whom St Peter explains the new rules.

"Well", say the second man, " I was exercising on my balcony this afternoon when I got a little too enthusiastic and slipped and fell off my balcony. Lucky for me I managed to grab the balcony below mine and save myself a very nasty fall. As I was lifting myself up, this madman attacks me, prises my fingers off the rail and dumps a fridge on me. Can you believe it!"

"It is a sorry state of affairs, my son", says St Peter. "Please enter, you deserve it".

After a short time a third man approaches. Again St Peter explains the new policy.

"Well", says the man, "I just happened to be hidding in this fridge......".

[Guest MECX]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body and especially the genitals area.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

:wink:

[Guest Anonymous]

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

:wink: :)

[Guest ChrisJM]

Ha,Ha,Ha.... :)