joke of the day

[Guest nokiauser]

AT THE INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE FOR MEDICINE

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we

can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another and have him

looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one

person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we

can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them

both looking for work in two weeks."

The Filipino doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind.

In the Philippines, we took a former movie actor with no brain out of San Juan, put him in Malacanang, and in no time half the country was looking for work. And just to prove it was no fluke, we're going to do it again!"

[Guest kalinte]

lol. my GOd we are doing it again!

[Guest Lopio]

Citizenship Issue:

PING: half filipino, half Filipina

FPJ: half American, half idiot

ROCO: half Hawaiian, half polo

BRO.EDDIE: half born, half reborn

GIL: half wit

GMA: half

Know your candidates:

Bong Revilla: Anak ng nardong putik

Jinggoy: Anak ng jueteng

Ernie Maceda: Anak ni marcova

Miriam: Anak ni sisa.

[Guest Lopio]

Lady: Sir, your barracks is open.

Man: (he zipped up) did you see a soldier standing at attention?

Lady: no! I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

It's a good thing there's no cat flu so far, otherwise men will all

have to avoid the pussy…! Praise the woman for sucking on birds

despite bird flu!

It's a good thing there's no cat flu so far, otherwise men will all

have to avoid the pussy…! Praise the woman for sucking on birds

despite bird flu!

Anong Pagkain mas masarap pa sa pinaupong manok?

100 women surveyed all answered: Pintayong Ibon. More power to WOMEN!

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each

time removing the olives and placing then in a jar. When the jar was

filled and the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"Excuse me," said a confused customer, "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of

olives"

[Guest Lopio]

Human males are strange creatures. At birth they struggle to get out

of the vagina. Then spend the rest of their lives wanting to get

in! ---crazy creatures! Tsk! Tsk!

Three women died and went to heaven. At the gate they met St.

Peter who asked them how they died.

Woman 1: St. Peter I have always been a good woman. I was happily

married and I Never had an outside relationship. One day I went for

a walk and my heart gave out on me.

St. Peter: Bless you my child. Take the golden key and go the golden

door. Your reward will be with you soon.

Woman 2: St Peter I was also a good woman, but I cheated on my

husband a couple of times. I went out one day to meet my lover and

was killed in a car crash.

St. Peter: Forgiveness is a part of life here. Take the silver key

and go to the silver door. Your reward will be with you soon.

Woman 3: (aggressively) Peter boy, I had sex with everybody. I

loved it so much. One of my many lovers caught me betraying him and

killed me.

St. Peter: Take this key and go to my door, I will be there with

you soon.

[Guest Lopio]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly

bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their

members. First one, then the next would add

his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite

ridiculous.

Then Artie said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."

There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Art, you're

kidding right?"

"Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You

know, some women like it."

We all sat in embarrassed silence until Artie continued, "Of

course, others complain it's just too wide."

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor

gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands,

which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife

had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he

asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

[Guest Lopio]

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the

first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to

introduce

themselves with -name, and hobby.

She said " Let's start with the boys first.

The Boys start giving their intro.......

First boy: "My name is john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the

bath tub."

The Teacher was confused to listen and said, "Interesting - well, ok.

In

fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is

essentially a

child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes, next-"

Second boy: "Myself Peter, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath

tub"

The Teacher now got surprised and said, "Gooodd.. I like the spirit

of

supporting a friend. Ok, next -"

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub"

Teacher: "Guys, are u joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok, next -"

This continues, and the last boy stands up: "I'm Harry, and my hobby

is to

see bubble in the bath tub"

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u

ungrown boyz for long. Any way, now the girls please -"

First girl: "I'm July and my hobby is to watch birds"

Teacher: "Gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next-"

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes"

Teacher: "Know it's like educated grown-up girls. Ok, next- you,

sweet

girl- yes, you.."

The most gorgeously beautiful girl of the class:

"Maa'm, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to bathe three times a

day".......!!!

[Guest Lopio]

THE CAR: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report

that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she

explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the

stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the

accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer

is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios

in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

FAMILY: Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts her foot in and

pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of

the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up

and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the

stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table

having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and

says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She

then yells, "I'll come up and help you both as soon as I see who's

at the door."

[Guest Lopio]

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!": Three retirees with hearing losses, were

playing golf one fine day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't

it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third

man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go have a beer."

ROMANCE: An elderly couple was lying in bed one night. The husband

was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to

talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were

courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second

and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then

you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her

a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later

she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back

the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she

asked. He replied, "To get my teeth!"

[Guest Lopio]

OLD FRIENDS: Two elderly ladies were friends for many decades. Over

the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and

said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a

long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and

thought, and I can't remember it. Tell me what your name is." Her

friend glared at her for at least 3 minutes until she finally

said, "How soon do you need to know?"

SENIOR DRIVING: A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his

car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently

warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car

going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell,"

said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car , both

could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along,

they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just

went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to

herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went

through a red light." After a few more minutes, it happened three

times. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did

you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You

could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap,

am I driving?"

PLEASE TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! LOL

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

I knew it was time to upgrade our computer when i finished spell-checking a document. I had typed in a word I was certain was spelled correctly, but the computer failed to recognise it, offering instead "entrant," "interned" or "internee" as substitutions. The word in my document? "internet"

-Heidi Lewis- (Reader's Digest - October 2002)

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Mariano Cecowski

Big party; every possible function is having fun, chatting and drinking

this evening.

In an n-dimensional corner e^x stands bitter and alone. Near the lonely

one there's a small group of exponential functions, and 2^x within them

turns to see e^x on it's corner.

- Hey, e^x, come-on, integrate yourself - Said 2^x pointing to the group.

- What for - whispers e^x - it makes no difference.

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Alain Gottcheiner

This happened during a 2nd year college course of probability theory.

Some girls come in quite a bit late, making all sorts of loud noises as

they go down the classroom stairs, grab a seat, pivot the writing

tablet, ...

The teacher, cold as a cucumber :

"you've come at the right moment, miladies. Is was speaking about

discrete variables."

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Pat McQuatty

Special Category: Afterlife

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The

Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples

looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus

mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter

said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: "David Lowenstein"

Mother: Why are you placing a tablecloth with the word "truth" on it on the

study table?

Daughter: Mom, I'd like to make this a "truth table."

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Larry Bavly

Some of my freshman math students are so clueless. They think General

Calculus was a famous war hero!

Here is a follow up:

If General Calculus actually did exist, he probably knew how to

integrate his troops together and differentiate between his enemies and

his allies.

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: [email protected] (Risto A. Paju)

To all these poor guys who ran into differentiation operators

I know this one bloke who managed to avoid these nasty operators. Until he

met the creature Del, which was on the same day he received his first

degree. The result: the guy is a grad.

[Guest Lopio]

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very

lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him

cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur coat you promised

me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered

again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?

Well.... here it comes..."

[Guest Lopio]

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and

down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like

the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died

and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you,

eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never

knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and

clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost

one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible...so how come you look so glum?"

"well, this week - nothing!"

[Guest Lopio]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,

and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a

beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock

boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No

ma'am, they're dead."

[Guest Lopio]

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was

booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry

passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on

the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be

FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to

try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm

sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was

unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him

could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the

agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have

your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout

the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW

WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to

Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,

the! man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and

swore. "F***you! "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm

sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[Guest Lopio]

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

tomorrow." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand

and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering

from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class stifled

their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the

teacher smiled sympathetically at the student and said, "Well, I

guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

Special Category: Definitions and terms (mathematical terms)

Calculus - what a dentist scrapes from teeth.

Center of Mass - the Priest.

Centroid - a 100 year old nerd.

Chaos - Kmart.

Chord - a pile of wood.

Circle - the longest distance between any two points.

Circumference - a circuitous inference.

Coefficient - two heads are better than one.

Cylinder - Budweiser.