joke of the day

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

Special Category: Definitions and terms (mathematical terms)

Discrete number - a digit that won't talk out of class

Divisor - what you wear on da head to protect from da sun.

Disjoint - what I am about to smoke in dis moment.

Denominator - one who nominates da candidate

Decagon - what termites can do to a wooden ship

Deduct - to butcher a waterfowl

Differential - to show great respect

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Pierre Abbat

Parabolas - two balls connected by a rope, and another one like it

Rectangle - a twisted mess

Scalar - mountain climber

Abelian - a tousand melian

Number - less sensitive

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

From: Larry Bavly

Q: Why would defeating the Chicago Bulls in the playoffs be like solving

a system of linear equations?

A: Because one would accomplish a Krause-Jordan elimination. - (Bulls GM

Jerry Krause, Bulls player Michael Jordan)

For non-americans: The Chicago Bulls belong to the National Basketball

Association (USA) and their superstar player is Michael Jordan.

[Guest nokiauser]

have you wondered why A,B,C,DD,E,F,G & H are letters used to define bra sizes? This is FYI:

A = Almost boobs

B= Barely there

C= Can't complain

D= Dang

DD =Double Dang

E= Enormous

F= Fake

G= Get a reduction

H= Help me, I've fallen i can't get up

[Guest Lopio]

What is the funniest philippine joke?

Di mo alam?

Funniest philippine joke?

Hint: Look at the initials ?

Funniest

Philippine

Joke!

FPJ's DICTIONARY:

Cardiologist ? card dealer in casino;

Pathologist ? duck raiser;

Radiologist ? disc jockey;

Gastrologist ? LPG dealer;

Autopsy ? car dealer.

Husband with fly swatter tells wife he has killed three male and two

female flies.

Wife: How can you tell sexes?

Man: Three were on the beer can and two on a telephone.

[Guest Lopio]

Amo: Pag dumating and ahente ng vacumn, sabihin mo  nagse-second

thought pa kami.

Ahente: Asan  amo mo?

Maid: Nagsisikantot pa raw sila.

Kuba: Tinukso nila akong kuba. Nag-aaral ako ng karate.

(5 months later)

Friend: Galing mong mag-karate. Tinatawag ka pa rin nilang kuba?

Kuba: Hindi na! Ninja Turtle na!

Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Filipino were sitting naked in

a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm

and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager." he

said,  "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he was finished

he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my

hand."

The Filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he

decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of

the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of

toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their

eyebrows and stared at him. The Filipino finally said,

"Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."

[Guest Lopio]

How about a few Brain Teasers:  

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between  

three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is  

full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of  

lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for  

him?  

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water  

for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes  

later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner  

together. How can this be?  

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you  

put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or  

any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?  

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and  

gray when you throw it away?  

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words  

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or  

Sunday?  

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you  

can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain  

you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is  

wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about  

it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work  

at it a bit, you might find out.  

Sorry, I don't have the answers to these... Just kidding.  

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.  

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her  

husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.  

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the  

ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came  

from which jug.  

4. The answer is Charcoal.  

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!  

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the  

English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph. 

[Guest Lopio]

Making a bet at a bar

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television

when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to

jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the

first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off

the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The

same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the

second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the

guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[Guest nokiauser]

PIG DRAWING TEST

DON'T CHEAT!

Draw a pig. Yes, that's right. On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the Interpretation of your pig!! Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.

Now if you're done...start to scroll down.....

YOU'RE CHEATING!! DRAW THE FRIGGIN' PIG!!!

The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.

If the pig is drawn:

Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.

Toward the middle, you are a realist.

Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.

Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates. (birthdays, etc.)

Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.

Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.

With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.

With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.

With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again more is better!)

OK, who didn't draw a tail?

[Guest Lopio]

Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr, met for

lunch.  

"Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating you?"  

"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior.  "It seems I married a

nun."  

"A nun?" his father questioned.  

"That's right," moaned Joe Jr.  "None in the morning, none at night,

and none at all unless I beg!"  

Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of

times.  

"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice

talk?"  

Young Joe smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"  

"Fine," replied Joe Sr, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior

to set two extra plates."  

[Guest Lopio]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.  

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.  

"I will have to go home and come back later."  

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."  

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.  

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.  

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.  

She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability too."  

[Guest Lopio]

He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."  

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."  

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.  

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair...it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."  

She says, "Thank you."  

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"  

She says, "Go ahead."  

He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"  

She says, "Of course."  

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."  

[Guest Lopio]

Question: What do men have in their pants that women do not wantg to

have in theie faces?

Answer: WRINKLES!

Sorry po patay na aso niyo, pinaliguan kasi ng anak niyo na gamit

laundry soap.

Mother: E ano naman ang masama sa sabong panlaba?

Vet: Di sya sa sabon namatay kundi sa washing machine,

Isang SPAMe bumili ng asukal, inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng SPAMe:

Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."

Tindera: Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang namin "Asin" para di

langgamin.

[Guest Lopio]

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few  

minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect  

order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.  

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen  

anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell  

me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and  

quiet?"  

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,  

"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found  

us quiet, you would drop dead."  

[Guest Lopio]

Bob is injured in a car accident and is admitted to hospital. He

lands up lying in a men's ward, next to Joe and Phil. Phil yells out

to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a piss!" The nurse comes

over and says, "don't talk like that here, please. Say I need to do

number one." Some time later, Joe yells out to the nurse, "Hey

nurse, I need to take a s***!" The nurse comes over and

says, "Please don't talk like that. Say I need to do number two."

Some time later, Bob calls the nurse over and whispers to

her, "nurse, I need to take a s*** but I haven't been given a number

yet."

[Guest Lopio]

"Perfect Password" A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P... E... N... I... S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Guest Lopio]

Little Pedro was in his 6th grade class when the teacher asked the

children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical

answers came up ... businessman, engineer, doctor, etc.

Pedro was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked

him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his

clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really 

good, he'll go out to the abandoned car in the alley with some guy

and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the

other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Pedro aside

to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Pedro, "He works for FPJ's May 2004 Presidential

campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the

other kids."

[Guest Lopio]

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-

law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who

explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over

$5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only

$150. "We'll ship her home," says the guy. The undertaker asks, "Are

you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a

very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000

years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from

the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

Mga kapatid,

baka may balak kayo magpakadalubhasa sa larangan ng 'Linguistics', konting balik-tanaw lamang sa kasaysayan ng iba't-ibang salita....

1. Noong 1940s, may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat (pronounce the T).

Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan, ganon din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa SPAMeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English -- hospitality girls, tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five". Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o "Give me five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang "Give me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak,where is the light; where is the moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg, "Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag-Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area sa Sta.Ana, Manila, ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang kaliit ang barung-barong: 1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai

2. Television 3. Karaoke. Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)

1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"

2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"

3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"

4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room.

"Doc saan po ba ang Cobal?" Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?" Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."

3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister, bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado, (hihihihihi)

6. Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"

Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs 2: "Doc, metromanilazole po."

Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)

Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa PACU.

Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit ng inyong anak?"

Mrs 4: "Eh, Doc, sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.

Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.

Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"

Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?"

Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."

Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

[Guest dobby_gobby_man]

Try nyo tong site na to maganda...

ang nakuhak o ay 26%

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http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/.../gayometer.html

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[Guest lukeap69]

dobby,

di ba ikaw ang father ng mga jokes sa txt???

LOL!

ang galing!